the romanticisation of toxic relationships by the media
"i can fix him" no you can't
trigger warning for mentions of abuse, mental health and SA. minor spoiler alert for Euphoria season 1.
What exactly defines a toxic relationship? Is it romanticizing if we’re simply relating to it? Is it too late to do anything? I asked myself these questions when trying to grasp why these relationships are pushed forward in movies, music, books and, finally, pop culture as a whole. When most of what we consume is toxic, we end up believing that that is what’s right and what we should all strive for in a relationship. The halo effect is the main reason why some of these relationships are even romanticized in the first place. It’s a phenomenon where one believes that someone’s physical attractiveness means that the person automatically has great qualities and therefore influences your opinions of them. Although this is wrong, why do you think toxic and borderline abusive relationships are romanticized, and someone’s behaviour is “excused” in the media?
in television and the impact of social media:
Euphoria is the first TV series that comes to mind when I think about this topic because most romantic relationships are incredibly toxic but somehow still become fan favourites and idolised. Nate and Maddy had unhealthy tendencies that contributed to the toxicity of their relationships, but this was masked as “love” when it was just an excuse for their behaviour. He controls her by telling her what to wear and how to act, but he is physically abusive towards her when she doesn’t. And even if she’s scared, she loves her boyfriend and, in turn, forgives him. These storylines are so intense that they capture the audience’s attention, and if a character is portrayed as deeply flawed, we even empathise with them because we might relate. It’s a problem when this empathy blurs the thin line between fiction and reality, causing people to believe this is normal. It’s a problem that producers continuously create these relationships in television, but I think the biggest issue is social media making it seem like it’s “okay.”
When I say social media, I mean Tik Tok, Instagram and even Wattpad, which romanticise these relationships to another level. Wattpad is problematic in its nature where under-age relationships, taboo and illegal ones such as student and teacher relationships, and many others are romanticised. Young teens read these problematic books written by other young teens and then have this perception of what love is. Even books with characters of age and somewhat normal plots have this aspect of romanticised abuse exposed to millions online. Fan edits and fan-fictions further reinforce this issue and normalise it.
This is a complex topic to explore because, most of the time, the shows themselves are doing a good job of portraying these relationships and how difficult it is to come out of them. But, when they expose them to a young audience (which is most of the time in our modern society), we get edits showing how the relationship is instead cute and loving. It’s weird and complicated.
the issue with music:
Most of the time, when an artist writes a song, it’s about their personal life or experiences, and as a listener, we either relate to it or understand where they’re coming from. Focusing on the prime Tumblr 2016 era, artists like Lana del Rey talked about her life experiences and claimed not to be glamorising abuse. I can believe her statement, but the way in which her older albums and dark songs got romanticised is scary.
Lyrics like “he hit me, and it felt like a kiss” are so dark that I can’t even explain why I was listening to that when I didn’t even understand what love was or even had my first kiss. But is Lana to blame? Am I to blame for listening to it in the first place? I think Lana and her whole vibe back then was to be a real-life Slyvia Plath sad girl (I get it, we’ve all been there). But the way mental illness and toxic/abusive relationships have become romanticised in the past few years is just mind-blowing. The video below speaks more about this topic if you’d like to watch that.
The romanticisation of these relationships isn’t just in lyrics and music videos but also in the artists’ lives. I see this mainly in rappers and their relationships with their partners, where some have publicly been called out for this. For example, JT and Lil Uzi have been dating for a while now, and I personally haven’t heard one good thing about their relationship. Is that just me? Ranging from; she threw a phone at him during the BET Awards, Uzi insulted her, he did this, she did that. And the thing is, these types of behaviours actually give both of them more fans and attention, and I can’t even sit here and attempt to explain why.
can we even stop it?
I wish it were as simple as telling people, “XYZ is wrong, don’t support that behaviour, and don’t think it’s normal”, but this is being said. It has been said for years. So why are people still romanticising these relationships? When we see it on a screen, there’s a lack of reality where we think it couldn’t be that bad in real life, but it could be. And if you have this notion of toxicity being normal, you won’t even be able to tell it apart, which is another issue.
The only way to counteract this is to promote healthier relationships. The media has the power to do that, but it’s easier said than done because most TV shows nowadays all have this element of toxicity in their relationships. Would it hurt that much to have a healthy relationship on screen? I don't think so.
thank you for reading,
aliya