he hates you, too (probably).

why do some men (and women) continue to support abusers and not the victims?

Trigger warning for abuse (physical, sexual), gun violence, rape, domestic violence and other hateful/violent crimes.

If you’ve been subscribed to me for some time, you know I always end up writing about misogyny, with a highlight on misogynoir. And unfortunately, today, I need to speak about it again, and I truly wish I didn’t have to, but it seems that society cannot believe women for whatever reason. As always, with these pieces, I have to make a disclaimer that not all men/women/people are like this, but there are enough for me to have an opinion on. Further, the cases I’ll be using as examples are violence directed towards women from men (mostly), but this doesn’t mean that men are not victims of violence from women and other men as well. I hope you enjoy this angry (rightfully so) rant!

These past few weeks have been abnormal in the sense that there have been many cases of domestic violence and abuse coming out in pop culture, but nothing as widespread as Sean “Diddy” Combs’ long-awaited trial. More specifically the testimonies from Cassandra Ventura Fine (Cassie) and Scott Mescudi (Kid Cudi). I won’t be talking about the specifics of the trial but instead focusing on how the public has been reacting to it. As details of Cassie's testimony went public, most reactions were sympathetic towards her because who wouldn’t be? The woman went through so much at the hands of a literal monster. And on top of that, there are videos of her abuser beating her that were also made public. People were emotional and supported her online as much as they possibly could. But people are also very, very, stupid and incapable of empathising with her and other victims.

Stupid might not even be the adequate word here because, in my opinion, it’s beyond stupid to literally deny a victim of her trauma — whether that’s in the form of supporting the abuser, victim blaming, or, in this case, pitying Cassie’s husband instead. Grown men and women have gone online to blame Cassie for what happened because she ‘willingly stayed’ and ‘loved Diddy.’ I’m gonna have to hold your hand when I say this, but — some of you are just not apt to understand domestic abuse or violence at this level, and these reactions showed me exactly that. It’s not that you need to go through a personal experience to understand, but you should have basic empathy towards the victim(s). There is a literal video of that man dragging her across a hotel corridor and kicking her when she tried to leave, so do you understand that it wasn’t just about her ‘getting up and going home.’ Another frustrating reaction is that of ‘I feel bad for Cassie’s husband because she slept with so many men’ or ‘Damn, I’d hate to be Cassie’s husband after knowing what she did.’ I literally have to control my anger when I read comments like this. This woman was being raped, trafficked, and a whole lot of other acts were committed on her, and your first thought is, ‘How does her husband feel’? Really? I think many people simply don’t understand that this was done to her physical body and her mind. I’m so glad that Cassie’s husband, Alex, loves her unconditionally and has supported her so much since they met because, in his words, “No one saved Cassie. She saved herself.”

And lastly, Kid Cudi’s testimony: where all these reactions got even more stupid. Before that man even walked into the courtroom, we had rappers and podcast warriors going online hoping that “Cudi doesn’t snitch” or claiming that he’s already a snitch for testifying in the first place. Kid Cudi is a normal civilian… like, have we not listened to Day N Nite? Anyways, Cudi essentially testifies that yes, he, like Cassie, is a victim of Diddy, as the latter blew up his car, hurt his dog, broke into his home and unwrapped his family's Christmas gifts and other crazy acts. Diddy did this because Cassie and Cudi were dating at some point. So because Cudi, like any normal person would, told the world what was done to him, he’s apparently a snitch. Diddy is a billionaire that seemed to have everyone in the palm of his hands — HE BLEW UP SOMEONE'S CAR FOR GOING ON A DATE WITH HIS EX — so how hard is it to understand that, yes, someone will admit what happened to them? Why are we even concerned with snitching and being a rat in this scenario? For example, Young Thug calling him a rat… so what you’re saying is Kid Cudi should’ve lied and protected a literal demon? Make it make sense, cause it does not.

This trial and everything that is still unravelling from it is just so eye-opening in terms of how so many people don’t understand the severity of Diddy’s actions. And in my opinion, the main reason for that is the fact that for the longest time, before it even started, everyone downplayed it. Diddy’s rape parties were never called that; they were just ‘freak offs’. And then you have the whole baby oil jokes that weren’t funny to begin with. All of these things lead to people feeling so emotionally disconnected from the severity of these events, and in turn, what does that lead to: not believing victims, downplaying what actually happened, and, like I’ve said multiple times, acting stupid as hell when this is a serious matter.

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The following two cases— those of Megan Thee Stallion and Tory Lanez, and Halle Bailey and DDG— I don’t want to group them into one because they’re both very distinct in how they’re rolling out. However, the public's reactions, which are the focus of this article, are the same. Briefly, in Megan’s case, she was shot in the foot a few years ago by Tory Lanez, who was found guilty of this and serving time in prison, where he recently got stabbed. Halle was granted a restraining order against her ex-boyfriend and baby daddy, DDG, due to him physically abusing her and a multitude of other events. In both cases, the court literally spoke, and actions were taken against these men because there was evidence of what they did, yet for some reason, people could not believe it. The women here, the victims, are getting called liars (and, in Halle’s case, a bad mom) when the men are facing the consequences of their actions. These victims are being shamed just because people can’t believe that their favourite rapper is not that great of a person.

Neither of these women is getting public support from their peers (at the time of writing this), especially other women. SZA has been the only other female artist and friend of Megan to even defend her, whereas others are radio silent. This doesn’t mean they’re not supporting her behind closed doors, but I think that even a small acknowledgement would make a difference here. What these women are experiencing is bullying, as SZA puts it— and they’re getting bullied by 17-year-old wannabe streamers and other artists who are signing petitions to free Tory. I don’t know why it’s so hard to simply believe victims. In the rap community, these sorts of allegations and events are not new, yet women are never believed and instead told that they’re just begging for attention and trying to destroy these men’s careers. If these were only allegations and someone was following an “innocent until proven guilty” mindset, I would be a little more lenient because there have been cases of fake allegations, but that is not the case here. These boys will say “Free Tory” until the day they die, which is crazy for two reasons: there is evidence of him continuously lying about the case, and two, he does not know you. It’s like they’ve formed a parasocial bond with these artists and feel the need to defend them even though the facts are against them. And to go back to Cassie and Kid Cudi’s testimonies, people aren’t even reading the evidence; they’re just forming their opinions depending on what they read online, so no, I’m not buying it.

The last person I unfortunately have to talk about is Chris Brown. I cannot stand this man; I really can’t. I admit that some of his songs growing up were good, but I cannot separate the art from the artist here. This man has a rap sheet of allegations and charges against him, but for some reason, he has many female fans and artists supporting him. Female fans all over the world line up at meet and greets to take pictures with a man who is known to be incredibly violent towards women. But I guess it doesn’t matter since he didn’t do anything to them directly, right? Singers like Kehlani, Jhene Aiko, Victoria Monet, and Summer Walker are either going on tour with him or actively supporting and praising this man. It’s hypocritical for someone like Kehlani, who claims to be such an activist for human rights, yet you hang out with someone like that. I always say that we shouldn’t care about a celebrity’s life, but they are, in a way, taking the role of ‘influencers’ in our society. And all they’re doing is letting people know that you can dismiss abusive behaviours and still be friends with someone just because ‘they didn’t do it to me personally.’ And that’s telling on their character. Is it not common sense that if someone is literally a bad person, you wouldn’t want to be around them, regardless of who was affected by them? So, if you claim to be an activist for women’s rights yet hang out with someone who continuously violates them, what exactly are you fighting for? Or is it only important when it suits you?

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All these people, celebrities or not, are quite literally showing their true colours depending on where they stand. Only an abuser would support another abuser. And only a bad person would support another bad person, especially when there is evidence against them. Half of these people don’t even want to be educated on what’s happening, and they don’t care to hear what the victims say. To refer back to the title of this piece, could you sleep in the same bed as someone who supports Diddy? I’d hope not because only a sick individual could support him (sorry, not sorry). So, long story short, if you or someone you know supports any of these people or people like this, even when they know the facts, just run away from them; I did.

Thank you for reading !!

Aliya